Of course, I do not mean to imply that any of the GOP hopefuls are the products of the kind of close coupling that wiped out the Hapsburgs (A chin, a chin! My kingdom for a smaller chin!) but they were raised in insular, culturally incestuous environments that have left them so far outside the mainstream as to appear unreal to the rest of us.
Exhibit A in the cabinet of curiosities is Michele Bachmann. Mesmerized and mesmerizing, it is hard to look away as she launches herself at fence after gate after ditch after hedge and lands flat on her ass over and over and over again. And mounts back up. While her supporters egg her on, the media and those of us on the left are exchanging those horrified but gleeful glances that parents trapped at a school play trade when someone else's child does something truly awful.
Did she really just wish Elvis Presley happy birthday on the 34th anniversary of his death? Why yes, yes she did. Did she really solicit an interview with Kathy Griffin and does she even know who that is? Yes, and obviously no. These are just the two latest moments in what has became our long national funniest nightmare ever.
The level of schadenfreude Bachmann delivers is delicious although the fear one develops of her true believers puts a bit of a damper on it.
Scarier, is exhibit B: Rick Perry. He appears to be all sociopath all the time. Governor Goodhair hates in a big Texas way. He hates gays, he hates the poor, he hates clean air, and he hates the government he aspires to lead, although he likes the money it hands out. He has used his gerrymandered votes to ratchet up the power of his office which had been rather weak before him, turning Texas into one of the most polluted and most corrupt states in the country. Texas is dirty, y'all.
And as for that oft-touted Texas Miracle? Myth. In fact, Governor Perry has been leading the race to the bottom. One out of four children in Texas is now living in poverty. Texas: Leaving the Children Behind.
Perhaps this is why most Texans would rather vote for Greyhair than Goodhair.
Rounding out the unelectables, we have Rick Santorum of Google fame, and Karl Rove's current crush, the very hungry Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. Neither Exhibit C nor Exhibit D has been able to appeal much to the nation's voters despite the attention of Dan Savage and Mr. Toad.
As for the unpalatables, we have Exhibit E who doesn't count, Exhibit F who finally exited stage right utterly confused, and Exhibit G who actually has a shot at coming close to almost beating the incumbent.
I can't explain what happened to exhibit E, F is no longer of interest, so let's move right along to Mitt Romney. Romney has two very large problems:
1) He's sane.
2) He's honest.
The rabidly enraged voters who will bother to vote in the primary have no discernible interest in sanity. And even if Bachmann pulls out (very likely given how exhausted she is beginning to look) and Perry's secessionist self makes Northern voters too uncomfortable to vote for him, Romney can't win the general election.
He and Obama have virtually identical politics, with some exceptions like abortion, but single issue voters cancel each other out. Both men are fatherly, both men are calm, both men seem reasonable. They are virtually interchangeable and Romney won't tell distort his record or his opponent's. We are too nervous as a nation to trade one daddy for another, so we'll keep the one we have even if the other kids don't think he's the cool dad.
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